Healing Is Work

 

For almost a year, this “thing” had been going on. I had been having an affair with someone I didn’t know. I kept trying to walk away but somehow, I couldn’t. I thought there was something wrong with me... and it was! I was married to perfection but was having an affair with depression. Even in the worst times I remained loyal to the marriage of perfection.

I continued to be faithful to it even during my fight with stage 3 breast cancer, even though internally the burden weighed heavy. Externally my body ached with pain from radiation but there was no room for weakness because my oldest son was having emergency surgery during one of the most important summers of his life in baseball, then my favorite Uncle passed a day before the surgery and 2 months later my mother passed from Covid. But wait there was a consolation prize, after her funeral I was hospitalized with Covid.

I thought I was a strong woman by only crying at night in the dark, then arising the next morning, to look myself in the mirror and wipe away left-over tears from the night saying, “Girl get yourself together, crying is not going to fix this!” But as time is, time does and time flew so quickly that I didn’t realize I’d been in this marriage to perfection for over 30 years.

It was January 2022 when I found myself balled up in a corner rocking back and forth, shaking and crying uncontrollably with my heart racing that I discovered this affair with depression wasn’t satisfying. My nighttime tears became daytime tears and decided they would no longer be back seat passengers but they wanted to drive. They grabbed the steering wheel, accelerated on the gas, dodged in and out of traffic, ran red lights and sped through stop signs. This wild ride went on for months until they finally lost control and crashed. I sat in the wreckage finding it hard to breathe and cry at the same time. As a puddle of tears seeped into my jeans and my chest heaving as if I had just sprinted in a 100-yard dash; I looked towards heaven and screamed at God, “Why won’t you heal me! Don’t you see me losing myself inside of myself?” And in the quietest part of my heart, I heard, “Healing is work.” “Wait, what do you mean its work? First of all, do you know how much work goes into trying to be perfect?” I was owed a break. I had been faithful in this marriage and thought I had done enough work. 

I had to sit with those words for a while but what I have come to discover is that when you need answers, it is silence that speaks the loudest. And it was in those silent moments that I realized the package of healing couldn’t be delivered because the wrong person kept answering the door. It will only show up when the real you show’s up.

So my therapist became my divorce attorney to guide me through the separation process of depression and perfection. I would love to say that therapy is all the work that healing requires but it isn’t. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to contribute to my healing. So if you were looking for this story to end by saying the divorce is final and all things ended well, then you have to wait for part two because no divorce ever ends pretty.

But I do have a question for you. What area of your life has been neglected of healing because the work hasn’t been done? I’d love to hear from you.

Meka Da'Veas is the official Goal Coach and Founder of Sisterhood University. A former HR Manager and Recruiter who has learned the art of matachmaking people with their goals. Let's start your healing journey by claiming your complimentary consultation with Meka the Goal Coach.